A New Me

Aug 16

152.

Long time no blog! Its been a crazy summer. Ive been working 60 to 70 hours a week at my Nanny Job and have not had much time for anything. I got on the scale this morning and saw numbers that shocked me.

152.

Im pretty sure the last time I blogged or vlogged I was around 164-165ish. Not really sure. But anyway, I am on the brink of being in the 140’s and Ive got to say, I feel pretty damn good. Im also not sure how accurate my scale is. I weighed on the wii fit and it said 146, but Im not going to count it because Ive been weighing on the other one for so long. Anyway, this summer I have lost around ten pounds, and while it could have been more, I am SO happy with that. My self esteem is at a place I don’t think it’s ever been before. I still have days (more than Id like to) where I look in the mirror and don’t like my tummy, thighs, etc, but for the first time I feel for the most part good about myself. Its an amazing feeling, and I am so excited to make more progress. I cant imagine how awesome goal will feel. Speaking of goal, Originally it was 135 but I think I will be more than happy at 140. We shall see. Honestly, the scale is nice for knowing how many lbs Ive lost, but I noticed it first with my clothes. Some of my things that I bought not too long ago are falling off. I kind of love/hate this, seeing as they were not exactly cheap and I really liked them. But, the prospect of actually being in the one digit sizes soon has me so stoked that I dont even care that much.

Anyway, just a quick update. The only down side is that I havent been eating “well” per se, Ive just been eating a lot less. Sometimes Im just too busy. When things start settling down after school starts, Im going to put a really good effort into eating healthfully again, since it is my passion and part of my future job.

Im not sure if anyone reads this at all, but I was feeling really good about this and wanted to rant. =)

May 16

Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles..

are out to destroy me! Ahhh!

So, not that I have been doing well on the eating right thing, but I had an okay day today. I got home to my parent’s house tonight and lo an behold, there they were, sitting in my room taunting me. I guess my mom picked me some up randomly because she knows I like them so damn much.

Anyway, I did succumb to their demands that I eat them.

I guess it was a good thing though because since I felt so icky after, I felt the need to get on here and youtube and start getting obsessed with eating well again.

Im back to my old habits of watching crap tons of youtube videos. I love watching grocery hauls and weight loss vlogs. It was what changed my life three years ago while I was sitting in my dorm room looking at my fat pudge. For  some reason I decided to youtube “weight loss” and was amazed at the weight loss youtube community. If anyone ever needs inspiration, there is a lot of it there. Specifically for me, Antishay or Shanti’s journey that is completely covered in her videos. Its amazing to watch her story as well as countless others who have tracked their journey through vlogs.

Anyway, I feel like things are falling into place. I have a job that pays well enough for me to really be able to put a good amount of my money into good foods. The job also takes up a lot of my day so that Im not sitting around eating like crazy. I really am excited about this again. I somehow have managed to get myself to my lowest weight of the past two  years (159) and am thinking that if I got there by doing hardly anything, surely I can do a lot when I am actually trying.

Anyway my goals for this week are :

- Go to the Farmer’s Market. It always gets me stoked to eat fresh fruits and veggies.

- Write down EVERY THING I eat.

- Make it a point to eat at least 3 fruits a day and 3 veggies. This wont be too hard as I love both.

- VLOG. I need to put one up.

=)

Apr 27

This Blog…

Needs a makeover and also someone to write on it more often.

I really need to get into blogging again. Food blogging really helps me stay on track. The past few weeks have been difficult for assorted reasons, but I actually hit my lowest weight right before easter at 157.5. However, after Easter, I am not so sure I will be at this number. But, still, the fact that I even SAW that number is amazing to me. It makes me realize how I could really kick this fat’s ass if I actually tried really hard.

I will definitely have more up soon =)

Mar 27

My late night crazy rant

Does anyone else sometimes get really really sad that they are grown up? Im about to turn 21 years old and ever since I graduated high school, I will occasionally get really nostalgic and sad that that chapter of my life is over. It went by so fast and I cant ever get it back.

This particular sadness was brought on by hearing a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a baby. The song is called “rock and roll lullaby” by BJ Thomas. He would sing the chorus to me. I actually didnt remember that he used to sing it until my mom told me one day. I finally looked it up on youtube and did not recognize it until I heard the chorus and I instantly could remember.

It just makes me sad that nothing will ever be that simple again. I wish my relationship with my dad could still be that simple and easy. I feel like my life is flying by and I just want it to slow down. It scares the hell out of me. Life is so hard now and I get the feeling that it might not get any easier. I dread getting older and having to face the difficulties ahead. I cant bear the idea of losing the people I love. I even find it kind of hard to watch my parents grow older. I cant handle the fact that one day I might have to face life without them. I dont know if I ever will be strong enough for it. I honestly sometimes hope that I go first, as fucked up as that sounds. I cant see life without them. Maybe once you have children of your own, or a job, or some greater purpose in life then it makes it easier to cope with.

I think in general I am just frightened of having to completely grow up. I liked it the way it was. Sure, I enjoy being older and enjoying all of the perks, but I think Id rather be 5 any day.I dont know. I might not even post this because I think it makes me sound a little crazy. Sometimes for some reason, it just is painful to realize that you will never again be a child. I know thats a simple concept, but knowing that life will never be that easy again is scary.

Mar 21

finnsblog1 said: Your blog is algebraic

Thats certainly an interesting way to put things….

Mar 06

Long Time No Weight Loss

I sometimes forget that weight loss and nutrition are NOT things to hate or be afraid of. I LOVE both of these things. Hell, Ive planned my life around it. I constantly find myself reflecting upon the times in the past year or so when I was being healthy (ish) and MISSING it so much. I was losing weight, but more importantly I felt good about myself and felt like I was accomplishing something. not to mention my body loved me for it!

So, I need to get back to where I started. All of this began in my freshman dorm room a couple of years ago. My roommate/best friend and I were on the rocks and I was hurting. In my boredom while going through this time, I found the weight loss community on youtube. I watched ALL of Antishay’s videos in a matter of a week or so. I got SO excited to watch them and enjoy her journey along with many others I was watching at the time. This sparked me to begin learning and studying Nutrition. I took a Intro to Nutrition class the next semester and fell in love with it. I knew instantly that I wanted to help people who had been in my same situation. I really enjoyed going to the grocery and picking out good foods and planning my meals. I checked out a boatload of books at the library and read through them like a maniac.

I need that passion back. I need to re-group. I want to get back to where weight loss and being healthy is something enjoyable again. I said 2011 is my year to hit goal and I have to start making it happen.

Plan on seeing more posts and a new video on on my youtube account (Lindseybrooke27) within the next week. Its Spring Break and I have NO excuses.

Time to get motivated again. =)

Feb 11

I’ve Had Enough.

Why is it that people have to bother themselves by worrying about other people and their lives? I know we all do it a little bit, but when I constantly hear about people  making comments or saying stupid shit about me, it’s just absurd. I’m tired of it. Especially if it’s coming from someone who has been basically absent from my life for the past 6 months or so. It’s ridiculous.

You know, Im not saying Im anywhere near “perfect” when it comes to being a friend and a person in general, but I honestly try REALLY hard to keep friendships intact. Sometimes  way after the point at which I should. My friends mean a lot to me, and I will do what I can to work an issue out.

But I cant work with people who won’t reciprocate. Im not going to try really really hard to fix things if the person doesnt apparently give a shit enough to say things to my face that is OBVIOUSLY bothering them.

If someone doesnt like the way I live my life or thinks that “Im going to be a failure and not make it through college.” then good. Because, even though I was already motivated enough to make a good life for myself, people making stupid shitty comments like that will make it even more amazing when I do graduate and have a good life. Excuse me if I can have a good time with my friends and *GASP* have a drink with them! Good lord! When I start drinking at 11 am and more than once a week, please then come to ME and tell me that you think I have an issue. But, I dont. Im fine. Believe me, I will not end up on the streets with my only personal belonging being a crack pipe like you think I will.

I’m just done. You cant win with some people. And I dont know why people think they can talk shit or lie without me knowing. The perk of being a paranoid person is that Im very intuitive and Im pretty much always at least right to some degree when I sense that someone is being shady. Once you get screwed over by a couple of people, you can pick it out really easily in others.

Bottom line, everyone needs to mind their own business. I’ve tried. I reached out. I tried to talk about it. But all I get is passive aggressive actions and comments and Im tired of it. Think what you want about me. Tell the world for all I care. I dont need it. The only thing that is pulling me down right now is worrying about people being jealous, passive aggreesive, half assed friends to me. So whatever. I give up.

Feb 06

Updated Resolution Progress (The silly ones anyway)

Movies

Jane Eyre (The BBC miniseries)

An Education I really enjoyed this movie but I didnt think it lived up to all the hype.

Avatar (Im an alien and havent seen it yet)

Invictus

The Invention of Lying

Brothers

The Last Song (even though I hate Miley Cyrus)

Books

The Pretty Little Liars series (sometimes I love petty chick lit haha) - I have read the first 3. I LOVE them. They are easy reads and I cant wait to go get the next one!

The Jean Nidetch Story: An Autobiography ( Founder of WW)

My Booky Wook by Russell Brand

In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto

Shopaholic takes Manhattan

Shopaholic ties the knot

Shopaholic and Sister

Shopaholic and Baby

Mini Shopaholic

Sweet Little Lies by Lauren Conrad The first book was better. I suppose I will read Sugar and Spice but its not high on my priority list.

From Dead to Worse

Dead and Gone

Dead in the Family

Jane Eyre

Gone with the Wind (all the way through, never have finished it)

Elvis and Me (Again. I freaking love that book for some reason) - Great as usual. I now want to visit Graceland again.

Shows

Pretty Little Liars I freaking love this show

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (I need to catch up on it)  I dont really like the series anymore turns out…lol

Gossip Girl (Past Season 3)

One Tree Hill Season 7 (Even though the show freaking sucks after Peyton and Lucas left)

The Vampire Diaries

Glee ( Because Im a nerd. Even though it does irritate me a bit..)

Feb 04

Healing.

I feel like sometimes I am so up weight loss’s ass that I neglect other things that need to be addressed and have needed to be, for a very long time.

My entire life, I have been scared. Scared, anxious, and unable to assert myself fully. When I was a kid, it wasnt nearly as debilitating. Small things like not being able to go in a store and buy a candy bar at the age of 10 because I was too terrified to speak to the cashier was about the worst of it. I remember once I was at my grandmother’s house and I wanted some cereal for a snack and it took me 15 minutes to get the words out to ask her. For no damn reason! She isnt a mean woman. She wouldnt have hit me for godsakes! I just got nervous and anxious thinking about asking her. There was no logic behind it at all. I just started freaking out in my mind for NO reason. Back then I did not recognize simple instances like this as a problem. Maybe I thought most kids were too nervous to ask their teacher how multiplication works or had a nervous break downs when their mom asked them to go inside and prepay the gas. And maybe they are. Maybe these are normal things.

I cannot put my finger on a single event that made me this way. I had a great childhood. My parents were loving and attentive, but not overly so. I was taught to be self sufficient. No one coddled me. I think maybe part of it is that my father has always been a worrier, and I know anxiety is passed down in families. But maybe it was a learned behavior. Im not sure. He was a little overprotective, but I still cant blame the whole issue on that.

One thing I think had to have had some impact was my middle school years. I dont recall being an overly insecure kid. I was always anxious, but I was confident as a child could be I think. But, when I was in the 5th grade, I kind of feel like my childhood was over. I dont think anyone really could specifically understand how these years impacted me. They could come damn close, but everyone handles things differently, and no one person can really fully understand what someone else has been through.

When I was 12 I had friends. Plenty of them. A handful of them I still talk to today and Im close with still a couple more. But, as everyone knows, Middle School is full of bullies. Boy bullies can be tough. They beat up on other boys, call them “gay”, and make fun. But I really have not encountered anything as hurtful as the girls in my middle school. They were mean. There were were quite a few, but they all stood behind this one girl who just would not leave me alone. Even though I understand today that she was just a stupid kid who could very well have grown into a nice person, her words still kind of prick at the memory of them. I remember being called stupid when I would speak up in class. I remember her making fun of my outfits and asking me if my parents couldnt afford better. My hair was styled stupid. She didnt like my butterfly clips that I wore in it. I was ugly. If I pulled out makeup in class I had to be reminded that no amount would make me pretty. Even though I was at a healthy weight for my age, I was also fat. I could have carbon copied her and she would still ridicule me. The sad thing was, I tried. I tried to look like everyone else. I tried to appease her even. I was not her only target by any means. They got my close friends too. But something about me really irked her. I get so angry now thinking back.

Where were the teachers???? Who was watching this happen to me and my friends and NOT giving a shit?? I even asked for help. Hell I begged for it. I told the guidance counselor about it and she ended up siding with the girl who was doing it all. Of course she had lied and said that I “made fun of her too”. The guidance counselor (who had a bad habit of screaming at students might I add) told me I was hypocrite and it was my fault and I brought it all on myself.

My teachers saw it. I know they did. And by not saying a DAMN thing, they made me feel like I deserved it. Maybe I was ugly and stupid. Maybe they were right. How could they do that? How could someone look at a child who was obviously in pain?? What child should go home hating themselves every day? Who deserves that? I hate that they made us go through that. I guess its still clear that Im angry more than anything at the adults in the situation. The girl was just young and stupid. I dont really even blame her that much.

Im not writing this for pity or anything else. I dont even really know if anyone will read it. But it feels so good to get it all out.

In 8th grade, I finally picked myself up and decided I was going to be the opposite of them. I guess it was a step in the right direction even if it included black eyeliner, band tees, and a mainly all black wardrobe. It was mine and my friends way of telling them we didnt care what they thought anymore and to eff off. This was right before dressing in hot topic garb was trendy. We still got made fun of for being the “goth” kids, but they were kind of scared of us at the same time. It was better than being called stupid and ugly, thats for sure.

Anyway, highschool was a hundred times better. My bully moved away right before 8th grade, and everyone sort of grew up. I actually graduated high school being on good terms with mostly everyone and there werent that many cliques in my school. I had a great senior year and it was pretty much over after 8th grade.

So, I think in middle school I became really insecure. Thats one of the only things I think really contributed to my anxiety. Im not even really sure.

Now that Im older and have more responsibilities, the anxiety I experience is at times, crippling. I think the two main times it pops up is when Im driving and when Im having money issues.

You can ask anyone that has driven with me during rush hour. I get so tense that I can hardly think straight. My mind cant seem to keep up with whats going on and there have been times where I drive my whole trip praying that I be okay. Its like theres some kind of imminent death coming for me or something. I even got in a wreck this past November because I was SO anxious and nervous. Weird thing is, Im not a BAD driver, I actually try ridiculously hard to be safe because Im so afraid of dying in a car accident. But its like Im so worried about things that it makes it worse. Making a left turn onto a busy road literally terrifies me sometimes. I see cars go by and I have enough time to turn but I WONT do it because in my mind I think somehow some way I wont make it. On most days, Im okay. But there have been times where I have felt like I could pass out from how heavy the stress is. I know these are panic attacks. I just want to freaking function like a normal person. I dont want people to have to deal with my freaking neurosis anymore.

There are many more examples I could give, but this is SO damn long already. To sum it up quickly, I dont speak up in class or participate in discussions because I feel like Ill sound stupid and Ill be wrong, or that Ill be ignored all together. I also have this crazy irrational fears constantly about my mom dying. Shes in perfect health almost and yet my mind for some reason always goes to it. Sometimes when Im laying in bed at night, it just happens for no reason. I dont get it. I shouldnt even be posting this. Im sure I sound crazy now. But Im tired of pretending like Im okay. There are SO many things I dont do that I would love to do but cant because of this. I want to talk to new people, I want to drive and not feel like Im going to freaking die everytime traffic is busy, I want to not worry constantly about stupid shit that I  have no reason to worry about. I want to be able to do a presentation in class without feeling like Im going to have a heart attack.

Im just trapped in this. I need to get out. I cant do it anymore. Im done. I guess what Im trying to say is, in order for me to tackle weight loss among other things, I need to heal myself first and figure all of this out. I need to get help. I want to be better. This isnt a way to live. I have great things in my life. I love my life aside from this bullshit.

If I just wrote like this every day that would probably help.

I guess my point is that you need to heal your spirit and your mind before your body. I know they all affect each other, but I think I need to fix this.

Wow, I feel better….

Jan 31

Ugh!

I cannot seem to get a hold of myself today! Not matter what I eat, I cant seem to convince myself that I am full. Its absurd. Ive eaten SO much today. Im pretty sure I could count it as a binge. I hate feeling this out of control. I know I am probably having this issue because Im on my period, but STILL. Why cant I get a grip?? Its ridiculous!

I dont know why I only decide to post on bad days. Youd think Id want to blog when good things happened or when I lost weight or had a good day, but for some reason I feel most inclined to blog when Im upset or frustrated. So, I promise my life is not constant bitching and being upset, I just happen to only talk on here when that happens. I suppose if I had some great news to report, I would. But, Im still recovering from winter break and I still dont have everything under control. I’ve never been one to not admit when I am messing up. And I am. I hate myself a little bit for it, but I can admit it and at least Im not in denial about it.

If this is the most important thing in the world to me, then why cant I just DO it?????:?????????????????????