I feel like sometimes I am so up weight loss’s ass that I neglect other things that need to be addressed and have needed to be, for a very long time.
My entire life, I have been scared. Scared, anxious, and unable to assert myself fully. When I was a kid, it wasnt nearly as debilitating. Small things like not being able to go in a store and buy a candy bar at the age of 10 because I was too terrified to speak to the cashier was about the worst of it. I remember once I was at my grandmother’s house and I wanted some cereal for a snack and it took me 15 minutes to get the words out to ask her. For no damn reason! She isnt a mean woman. She wouldnt have hit me for godsakes! I just got nervous and anxious thinking about asking her. There was no logic behind it at all. I just started freaking out in my mind for NO reason. Back then I did not recognize simple instances like this as a problem. Maybe I thought most kids were too nervous to ask their teacher how multiplication works or had a nervous break downs when their mom asked them to go inside and prepay the gas. And maybe they are. Maybe these are normal things.
I cannot put my finger on a single event that made me this way. I had a great childhood. My parents were loving and attentive, but not overly so. I was taught to be self sufficient. No one coddled me. I think maybe part of it is that my father has always been a worrier, and I know anxiety is passed down in families. But maybe it was a learned behavior. Im not sure. He was a little overprotective, but I still cant blame the whole issue on that.
One thing I think had to have had some impact was my middle school years. I dont recall being an overly insecure kid. I was always anxious, but I was confident as a child could be I think. But, when I was in the 5th grade, I kind of feel like my childhood was over. I dont think anyone really could specifically understand how these years impacted me. They could come damn close, but everyone handles things differently, and no one person can really fully understand what someone else has been through.
When I was 12 I had friends. Plenty of them. A handful of them I still talk to today and Im close with still a couple more. But, as everyone knows, Middle School is full of bullies. Boy bullies can be tough. They beat up on other boys, call them “gay”, and make fun. But I really have not encountered anything as hurtful as the girls in my middle school. They were mean. There were were quite a few, but they all stood behind this one girl who just would not leave me alone. Even though I understand today that she was just a stupid kid who could very well have grown into a nice person, her words still kind of prick at the memory of them. I remember being called stupid when I would speak up in class. I remember her making fun of my outfits and asking me if my parents couldnt afford better. My hair was styled stupid. She didnt like my butterfly clips that I wore in it. I was ugly. If I pulled out makeup in class I had to be reminded that no amount would make me pretty. Even though I was at a healthy weight for my age, I was also fat. I could have carbon copied her and she would still ridicule me. The sad thing was, I tried. I tried to look like everyone else. I tried to appease her even. I was not her only target by any means. They got my close friends too. But something about me really irked her. I get so angry now thinking back.
Where were the teachers???? Who was watching this happen to me and my friends and NOT giving a shit?? I even asked for help. Hell I begged for it. I told the guidance counselor about it and she ended up siding with the girl who was doing it all. Of course she had lied and said that I “made fun of her too”. The guidance counselor (who had a bad habit of screaming at students might I add) told me I was hypocrite and it was my fault and I brought it all on myself.
My teachers saw it. I know they did. And by not saying a DAMN thing, they made me feel like I deserved it. Maybe I was ugly and stupid. Maybe they were right. How could they do that? How could someone look at a child who was obviously in pain?? What child should go home hating themselves every day? Who deserves that? I hate that they made us go through that. I guess its still clear that Im angry more than anything at the adults in the situation. The girl was just young and stupid. I dont really even blame her that much.
Im not writing this for pity or anything else. I dont even really know if anyone will read it. But it feels so good to get it all out.
In 8th grade, I finally picked myself up and decided I was going to be the opposite of them. I guess it was a step in the right direction even if it included black eyeliner, band tees, and a mainly all black wardrobe. It was mine and my friends way of telling them we didnt care what they thought anymore and to eff off. This was right before dressing in hot topic garb was trendy. We still got made fun of for being the “goth” kids, but they were kind of scared of us at the same time. It was better than being called stupid and ugly, thats for sure.
Anyway, highschool was a hundred times better. My bully moved away right before 8th grade, and everyone sort of grew up. I actually graduated high school being on good terms with mostly everyone and there werent that many cliques in my school. I had a great senior year and it was pretty much over after 8th grade.
So, I think in middle school I became really insecure. Thats one of the only things I think really contributed to my anxiety. Im not even really sure.
Now that Im older and have more responsibilities, the anxiety I experience is at times, crippling. I think the two main times it pops up is when Im driving and when Im having money issues.
You can ask anyone that has driven with me during rush hour. I get so tense that I can hardly think straight. My mind cant seem to keep up with whats going on and there have been times where I drive my whole trip praying that I be okay. Its like theres some kind of imminent death coming for me or something. I even got in a wreck this past November because I was SO anxious and nervous. Weird thing is, Im not a BAD driver, I actually try ridiculously hard to be safe because Im so afraid of dying in a car accident. But its like Im so worried about things that it makes it worse. Making a left turn onto a busy road literally terrifies me sometimes. I see cars go by and I have enough time to turn but I WONT do it because in my mind I think somehow some way I wont make it. On most days, Im okay. But there have been times where I have felt like I could pass out from how heavy the stress is. I know these are panic attacks. I just want to freaking function like a normal person. I dont want people to have to deal with my freaking neurosis anymore.
There are many more examples I could give, but this is SO damn long already. To sum it up quickly, I dont speak up in class or participate in discussions because I feel like Ill sound stupid and Ill be wrong, or that Ill be ignored all together. I also have this crazy irrational fears constantly about my mom dying. Shes in perfect health almost and yet my mind for some reason always goes to it. Sometimes when Im laying in bed at night, it just happens for no reason. I dont get it. I shouldnt even be posting this. Im sure I sound crazy now. But Im tired of pretending like Im okay. There are SO many things I dont do that I would love to do but cant because of this. I want to talk to new people, I want to drive and not feel like Im going to freaking die everytime traffic is busy, I want to not worry constantly about stupid shit that I have no reason to worry about. I want to be able to do a presentation in class without feeling like Im going to have a heart attack.
Im just trapped in this. I need to get out. I cant do it anymore. Im done. I guess what Im trying to say is, in order for me to tackle weight loss among other things, I need to heal myself first and figure all of this out. I need to get help. I want to be better. This isnt a way to live. I have great things in my life. I love my life aside from this bullshit.
If I just wrote like this every day that would probably help.
I guess my point is that you need to heal your spirit and your mind before your body. I know they all affect each other, but I think I need to fix this.
Wow, I feel better….